Great White Cotton Crisis of 2010 Hits New Zealand

“This is Roving Reporter, Aech Kleicombe, live (online), reporting from downtown Hamilton, New Zealand.

"I am reporting tonight on a little-known-crisis that is threatening homeowners in this city with a shortage that is predicted (by myself) to rival the proportions of last century’s great oil shortages in the 1970s.

“I have been researching this crisis for some time and, although I do not want to panic the city’s homeowners, I do feel it is my duty to report the facts. Just the facts.

“My colleagues and I have been growing increasing panicky as we’ve searched city-wide for what one would assume is a common household item. Yes, that’s right, the all-too-familiar and unexceptional white pillow case.

“And, it’s important to note, readers, that this is only the white pillow case. There is no need to panic if you need ecru, ivory or taupe. No, it is only the WHITE pillow case. Something so incredibly common that homeowners have been able to purchase them since the dawn of the textile age. In fact, white was the first colour of pillow case ever produced in Manchester, UK in 1824 (or thereabouts).

“But, now, it seems you can no longer purchase the common white pillow case in this city – the fourth largest in New Zealand and one well-known for its plethora of shopping outlets. You heard it first here folks, ‘If you can’t get it in Hamilton, you soon won’t be able to get it anywhere.’

“My colleagues and I believe it is only a matter of time until the Great White Cotton Crisis of 2010 (as it is now known) spreads like the wildfires of Australia, to every corner of the earth (kind of like Swine Flu, but slightly different).

“To see just how dire the Great White Cotton Crisis of 2010 really is, I followed a woman from store to store today, chronicling her desperate attempt to find the rare white pillow case. She went from Briscoe’s in Te Rapa to Briscoe’s downtown, to the Warehouse, K-mart and beyond. She went into every store she could possibly think would stock such a common item. Blue, black, and various shades of cream were available in arguably grotesque quantities. However, white was nowhere to be seen.

“At two distinct times the woman, formerly of American origin, was heard saying in her loud twang, ‘This is the type of thing that makes me want to move back home! All I want is a simple white pillow case! Is that such a crazy thing to ask?!’

“The readers will be relieved to note that finally, after gleaning the shelves of every known linen retailer in the city, the woman of note did find white pillow cases at the local Farmers department store. So relieved was she to find the rare treasure, that she bought more than she actually needed, leaving only two on the shelf.

“This leads me to believe hoarding white pillow cases will soon become common practice, meaning the item may soon become totally stocked out (yes, extinct).

“This is Aech Claycomb, signing off to research my next assignment . . .. ‘Why Supermarkets Stock the Shelves with An Item One Week, Never to be Seen Again?’ The American woman mentioned this was another irritating factor that often tempted her to pack her bags.”